Charlie's Angels... of DEATH: Chapter 11 -- Still Waiting...

     Burkie sighed heavily and looked at his watch.  Again.  "How long does it take to find a pint of Ben and Jerry's and check out?" he grumbled.

     "Well, you let them con you into going to Super Target for an ice cream run.  That was your first mistake," CarCar chided.  "Never agree to Super Target when 7-11 will suffice..."

      "Yeah yeah yeah..." Burkie groaned, rolling his eyes.  "I just didn't want them to start whining if the ice cream selection at the local convenience store was lacking.  I hate whining!"

     "Point taken... but you also let them go into the store unsupervised," she pointed out.  "Without you in there with them to make sure they stay on task, who knows how long it'll take?"

     "I certainly wasn't going to volunteer to go in there with them!" Burkie retorted.  "I hate shopping!  And that place is massive!  And swarming with people!  I hate people..." Burkie grumbled some more, shifting in his seat.  "I swear, this is worse than herding cats..."

     "Let's see..." CarCar said, her tone all-business.  "Activating GPS on their cellphones and overlaying that with a map of the store...  It looks like Jen is in the fitting room, Mira is in Accessories and Handbags, Shannon is in Small Appliances, probably eyeballing the cappuccino makers, Meiling is in the Sporting Goods section, and Candy is in the snack aisle..."

     "Well," Burkie started, "at least it sounds like Candy is on task."

     "I said she's in the snack aisle, not frozen desserts," CarCar pointed out.  "She's probably distracted by the array of potato chips right now, and I would bet she's no closer to picking up the ice cream than Jen, who is on the opposite end of the store."

     Burkie sighed and slouched further into his seat.

     "Maybe you'd enjoy some entertainment?" CarCar suggested as a 15-inch monitor flipped down from the ceiling in front of Burkie's face.

     His face lit up.  "Do you have first-run movies, like say, The Avengers?" he perked up.

     "Not unless a bootleg version is on YouTube," CarCar answered.  "You're just going to have to pay the $15 to see it in the theater.  Hmmm, let me check my archives... One of the girls uploaded Iron Man 2.  Would that suffice?"

     "Sure!  Robert Downey Junior is brilliant as Tony Stark," Burkie said as the screen in front of him lit up.  "Wait," he said with a frown.  "What is this?"  He watched a tall skinny guy with poofy red hair dance awkwardly to a pop melody.  Burkie watched, mouth open in a mixture of disgust and fascination as the man began singing.  "We're no strangers to love, you know the rules and so do I..."

     CarCar busted out laughing.  "Ha!  I wish you could see your face right now!"

     "But..." Burkie trailed off.  "I'm so confused..."

     "You were just rickrolled!" CarCar laughed. 

     "But what about Iron Man 2?" Burkie asked.

     "Oh jeez," CarCar sighed.  "Rickrolling.  Google it.  It's a thing...  Maybe I need to school you on modern pop culture references while we wait.  It's like you're fresh off the boat..."

     "The FOB school was MY idea..." Burkie muttered, opening the passenger door.  "I'm going to stretch my legs." 

     "You have at least half an hour," CarCar called after him as he shut the door.

     "Duped by a bunch of girls," he shook his head just as his cellphone rang.  He looked at the caller I.D. briefly before answering.  "Hello Mr. Charles."

     "Hello John," Mr. Charles said tiredly.  "I hope the girls aren't giving you too much trouble."

     "Nothing I can't handle, sir.  They are just girls," Burkie said, hoping that Mr. Charles didn't detect the frustration in his own voice.

     "I would be lying if I didn't say that they wear me out sometimes," Mr. Charles said with a small smile.  "I hope you all are relatively rested though.  I am flying back late tonight rather than waiting until tomorrow afternoon.  The situation out here... it's more dire than I thought.  I'll need all of the girls up and fully functioning bright and early tomorrow morning.  Can you see to it that they're all present and accounted for at 0700 in the kitchen?"

     "Of course, Mr. Charles.  Have a safe flight back and I'll take care of the rest" Burkie said, hanging up.  He was already dreading the idea of dragging all of the girls out of bed in the morning.  Meiling was the only morning person out of the whole bunch.  "Worse than herding cats," he muttered, shaking his head.

Charlie's Angels... of DEATH: Chapter 10 -- A Situation

     "Burkie, we have a problem," Candy said, taking a seat next to him at the kitchen table before stopping short.  "WHAT are you wearing?"

     Burkie paused with a spoonful of Kyle's special chorizo stew halfway to his mouth.  "What?  This is my western shirt.  It has snaps!" he said defensively.

     "It's PAISLEY," Mira pointed out, making a snoodly face.

     "I get comments on this shirt every time I wear it," Burkie said with a pout.  "Anyway, what's the problem?"

     "Problem?" Candy asked in a daze.

     "Yes," Burkie said, exasperated.  "You said you have a problem?"

     "Sorry," Candy said.  "Your shirt is very... distracting..." she trailed off.

     "Our problem is Lauren," Meiling started.  "It's a... difficult time for her right now...  Wow, that shirt really is distracting."

     "What she means to say," Shannon said, sitting down across from him, "is that Lauren is hormonal."

     Burkie dropped his spoon and started coughing.  Jen clapped him hard on the back.  "Sorry, some chorizo went down the wrong pipe... uh, how is this a problem?" he asked.  "Doesn't this happen, uh... monthly?"

     "Well, yeah," Mira said.  "But we have a situation taking shape.  Lauren has very specific cravings, and we have no way to satisfy them.  Her emergency pint of ice cream is gone and everyone with access to a car is out of town right now.  Things are going to start getting ugly really quickly."

     "Can't Kyle make her something?" Burkie asked.

     "Nope," Jen said.  "He's teaching advanced hand-to-hand combat to law enforcement as we speak, and from there, he's hopping on a flight to L.A.  He's got a DJ gig tonight, some movie premiere after-party..."

     "Oh," Burkie said, his face brightening.  "Is it 'The Avengers?'  I really hope it is.  If it is, can he get me RDJ's autograph?  He is BRILLIANT as Tony Stark..."

     "BURKIE!  FOCUS!"  Mira pounded the table.

     "Sorry," Burkie said sheepishly.  "What about James?"

     "Charlie gave him leave to visit his family," Candy replied.  "I think he's supposed to be back in two days when Charlie is back from... wherever he's at..."

     "But," Shannon interjected, "that doesn't help us right now.  Do you want to be the one to tell Lauren that we don't have any Chubby Hubby ice cream?  Cuz I don't...  She gets mean."

     "Okay," Burkie said.  "What about... what's his Native American name?  'Struts in Onesies?'  The guy with the creative facial hair?  The weapons specialist?"

     "Oh," Meiling said.  "Most of us just call him Briggs.  He's in Texas on a mission."

     "Same kind a mission you were just on?" Burkie asked with an arched eyebrow.

     "Nope," Jen said.  "He's sniffing out fire ants in Texas.  Some mission to save, like... endangered horny toads, or something?"

     "Well darn!" Burkie said, slumping in his seat.  "He and I were going to work on carving a new bow for me to try at the range out back."  He frowned, remembering the situation at hand.  "Well can't Lauren or one of you just take the car and go to the store?"

     "No," Mira said.  "There's only one vehicle right now, and we're not allowed to take it out by ourselves after last time..."

     "I feel a story coming on," Burkie said expectantly.

     "Well," Candy started, "it started innocently enough, with nachos..."

     "Nachos turned into fishbowl margaritas," Shannon continued.  "By the way, I think your shirt is snazzy..."

     "Thank you," Burkie said with a smile.  "So... how did you all manage to convince the bartenders to serve you when you're all underage?" Burkie asked.

     "Not all of us, just Lauren.  She can be persuasive, and she REALLY wanted to eat the gummy Swedish fish at the bottom of the bowls..." Mira trailed off.

     "So, yeah.  We all got in trouble by association, and now we aren't allowed to take the car out by ourselves," Meiling finished.  "That leaves you.  You're the only thing protecting us from Lauren getting upset over some trivial thing and hulking out on us. ('The Avengers,' in theaters Friday!) Ice cream is the only thing that will pacify her."

     Burkie gulped.  "But we only have access to the... one vehicle."  He trailed off.

     "What's wrong?" Jen asked.  "She's beautiful and sleek and stocked with awesome tunes..."

     "Most guys would give their right arm to take her for a spin," Candy smiled encouragingly.

     "She's a very... intimidating vehicle," Burkie faltered.  "But... I guess I am more afraid of what might happen if we don't have a pint of Chubby Hubby on hand for Lauren..."  Burkie's shoulders sagged visibly.  "Okay, someone fetch me the keys."

     Jen and Shannon high-fived.

     "Good choice, Burkie," Mira said with a smile.  "Trust us.  You don't want to see Lauren angry.  You wouldn't like her when she's angry..."

* * * * * * *

     "So," Burkie said nervously, "how does this work?"

     "You just click the button on the electric key fob like so," Candy demonstrated, and then handed the key back to Burkie.

     "But I thought everything was voice activated," he said with confusion.

     "Yeah, once you're in!" Mira said flippantly.  "How is she going to hear you when she's still in the garage?"

     The shiny black Suburban known as "CarCar" zoomed up towards them and then screeched to a halt, swinging around to stop inches from their feet in a stunt move pulled right from those crappy "Fast and the Furious" movies.

     "What up, kids?" CarCar said as she popped her doors open.  Everyone filed in except Burkie, who circled the vehicle with is mouth open.

     CarCar was named by Mira when she was little, didn't know the difference between a car and an SUV, and wasn't extremely creative when it came to naming things.  Despite all that, CarCar never seemed to mind and had been driving the girls to jobs (or the mall) faithfully for several years, no operator necessary.  The only thing CarCar *did* mind was being compared to that snooty hunk of junk from that '80s show starring The Hoff... which was what usually happened the first time someone new rode in her.

     "No British accent?" Burkie asked.

     "CarCar" Jen piped in quickly.  "I'm dying for some tunes.  Maybe some... Foxy Shazam.  Can you hook us up?"

     "I don't know if I'm feeling Foxy today, Jen.  The Darkness, perhaps?  They're fun and upbeat." CarCar paused.  "Who's the n00b in the western wear?"

     "These days I answer to Burkie.  Wait...  You can see me?" Burkie asked in disbelief.

     "Uh, YEAH," CarCar replied mockingly.  "I can see objects in a 100-foot radius.  That's how I manage to get these girls safely to their jobs (or the mall)."

     Burkie finally stopped gawking and climbed into the driver's seat.  "I suppose that makes sense...  It's just so... cool!" he said with a stupid grin on his face.

     "Yeah, I am pretty amazing," CarCar said, her tone softening.  "So... where to?"

     "Grocery store," Shannon chimed in, "before Lauren hulks out."

     "Ah yes," CarCar replied.  "We don't want to see her angry...  By the way, Burkie," CarCar started.  "I don't like your shirt... 

     Burkie's face fell.

     "I LOVE IT!" CarCar yelled, peeling out as she roared down the driveway.